SPOILER ALERT: This story contains spoilers for “This Little Piggy,” Season 3 Episode 5 of “Euphoria,” now streaming on HBO Max.
Thus far, the third season of HBO’s “Euphoria” more closely resembles “Traffic” spliced with a telenovela than Sam Levinson’s original creation.
Gone are the Labrinth needle-drops and kinetic camerawork — whip-pans and dolly zooms have given way to wide shots on 65mm, as its cast of hot young actors delve deeper into a vast wasteland where hope does not spring eternal.
When we last left the most depressing ex-high school clique ever, Rue (Zendaya) got caught with a whole mess of drugs and turned DEA informant; Kitty (Anna Van Patten), a new stripper at the Silver Slipper, gets a train run on her by a group of repulsive middle-aged frat boys; “the fairy tale is over” between Cassie (Sydney Sweeney) and Nate (Jacob Elordi), as the former leaves the latter due to his $1 million debt; Lexi (Maude Apatow) gets Jules (Hunter Schafer) a job painting art for her popular soap “LA Nights,” only to land in hot water after Jules unveils a painting featuring a scene of nude trans folks; at the urging of Maddy (Alexa Demie), Cassie seduces an influencer at a house party in a an attempt to go viral and drive traffic to her OnlyFans; and Big Eddy (Kadeem Hardison) gets shot in the stomach and has the contents of his safe stolen at the Silver Slipper by masked gunmen in Obama masks who appear to be driven there by none other than Faye (Chloe Cherry), with the group carrying out the hit in retaliation for the poisoning of Laurie’s beloved pet parrot, Paladin.
Deep breath.
Here’s what went down this week…
Attack of the 50-Foot Cassie!
Cassie’s viral stunt with mega-influencer Brondon Fontaine (Jeff Wahlberg, nephew of Mark and Donnie) worked, and she hits 50,000 OnlyFans subscribers. Now, Maddy has her engaging in a smorgasbord of fetish content for her dedicated clientele, from ASMR dirty talk to selling her panties to masburbation with comically large dildos, and going on a number of podcasts preaching the sex positivity of OnlyFans work (with a Trisha Paytas cameo!). We’re treated to a surreal sequence wherein Cassie transforms into the 50-Foot Woman, stomping all over Downtown Los Angeles like a monster movie, which all seems like a pretext for a scene where Sweeney’s giant boobs burst through the windows of a building.
Nate the Cuckold
Nate is so deep in debt that he sweet-talks Cassie, who still has feelings for him, into wiring him $35,000 to make the mortgage payment on their house — and then another $30,000. He also encourages Cassie, who he calls his “last hope,” to move in with the thirsty Fontaine and film NSFW content with him so she can “bring home the bacon.” Nate is such a fuck-up, however, that he doesn’t pay off any of his debts with the money, leading to him getting his pinky torn off (again) as well as a finger by a thug.
Maddy Pulls a Fast One
When Cassie discovers that Maddy is not a talent manager in a doorman apartment building but a low-level Hollywood assistant in a basement apartment, she cuts professional ties with her supposed “best friend” and moves into a TikTok house — that is, until Maddy dangles an audition with “LA Nights” and its star Dylan Reid (Homer Gere), convincing Cassie to sign a managerial contract with Maddy. There is no audition, but Maddy strong-arms Lexi into getting her on the audition list, leading to a brilliantly acted (if wildly out of character) audition sequence where Sweeney’s Cassie performs a monologue from Shakespeare’s “Antony and Cleopatra.” She knocks it out of the park and lands the part.
Rue and Jules’ Flirtation
One of the many things “Euphoria” has lost sight of is its bedrock romance between Rue and Jules. Here, we see Rue and Jules flirt in the sugar daddy’s apartment while eating Chinese food: “You want me? Make me yours,” Jules implores. The scene then cuts to Jules having loud sex with… the sugar daddy. Guess we’ll have to wait a few more episodes for these two to get on the same page. Then, the sugar daddy discovers Rue’s flannel in his apartment and is none too pleased with his sugar baby, thinking she’s been shtupping other men in their pad and worrying about contracting an STD: “I like you… but I love my family. And I will not put them at risk,” he tells her.
Rue Is in Deep Doo-Doo
It’s a miracle that Rue is still alive at this point. But alas, I digress. After Rue tries to frame Magick (Rosalía) by sticking a couple coke baggies in her locker, Magick gets her revenge by convincing the big boss, Alamo (Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje), that Rue is a snitch who should’ve recognized the voices of the robbers, since they’re Laurie’s henchmen. So, while Rue and Maddy are confabbing over milkshakes in a diner, Alamo sends Rue off for a drive with his two toughs, G (Marshawn Lynch) and the icy Bishop (Darrell Britt-Gibson). While that’s happening, Alamo finds himself impressed by Maddy’s OF racket and the two get into business together, signing up Magick and Kitty. Back to Rue: Alamo’s guys make her dig a ditch out in the middle of nowhere and then bury her up to her neck in dirt. Alamo reenters the scene, galloping toward her on horseback while swinging a mace and just before he connects with her… the scene cuts to black. Rue is conveniently absent from “scenes from the next,” so did she finally meet her fate?
